Busted II
Author's Note: this is a quickie I've been writing on the forum. I don't really know where it's going, and I'm not thinking too hard about it... it's a "Caught" fic, inspired by our bashing in XXL. Forum dialogue is in the "Courier New" font with a divider (---//) to separate posts.
Chapter 1
Marshall was half awake and stumbling around in the kitchen when he saw the stack of mail sitting on the counter. He flipped through it without interest until he spotted the May 2004 issue of XXL, which he plucked from the pile and carried with him over to the fridge. He grabbed a Mountain Dew and sat down with his magazine, thinking he might get ten minutes of peace before the goddamned phone started ringing.
He was wrong, as usual.
"It's fucking seven a.m. This better be good."
"Uh, hey Marsh."
It was his manager, Paul Rosenberg. And it was never good news when Paul called at seven in the morning. "What up?"
"You get the new issue of XXL?"
"Yeah, why?"
"There's an article on page twelve..."
"Hang on, I got it right here." Marshall flipped to page twelve. There were a couple of small articles, but neither one of them jumped out at him. "What? I don't see nothin'."
"Computer Love."
"Say what?"
"Read the one called 'Computer Love'."
He rolled his eyes. It sounded dumber than shit to him, "What does computer love have to do with-." He stopped at his name and rapidly skimmed the article. "What the fuck is this?"
"It's a web site devoted entirely to fictional stories about you. I checked it out last night."
"And?"
"It's some strange shit, Marsh. A lot of it is borderline porn."
"You gotta be joking..."
"Nope. And Hailie's in a lot of the stories-."
"They put my baby in porn?" he thundered.
"No, jackass. You get all the action, but she's a character in a lot of the stories."
"How many are there?"
"Over a hundred and fifty. It's not a small site."
"Christ. Is that even legal?"
"Yes and no. The chick that runs it does have a disclaimer on every page saying the stories are fictional, but she's walking a thin line in my opinion. The stories involving you could be considered parody because you're a public figure, but Hai is another matter. She's not a public figure, and she's a minor. Kim is in quite a few of the stories as well, and-."
Marshall groaned. "She's gonna love that..."
"I doubt it."
"So what now?"
"It's up to you. I think we might be able to shut it down, but the thing to remember here is that these are fans that wrote this shit. CD buying, concert going fans, and if we make a move on them now it could turn into bad PR. The site made it into XXL. We send this girl a Cease and Desist letter, and she might just turn around and bite you on the ass."
"Let me guess," he answered sarcastically. "Freedom of speech."
"You got it. The shit you put in your lyrics-- you go after her for making stuff up about you... I don't know. Some of your critics could have a field day with that."
"Since when do I give a fuck?"
Paul chuckled, "There is that."
Marshall skimmed over the article again. "Shadyfiction, huh? You read some of this crap?"
"Just a couple of them. I read most of the story descriptions though."
"Well, you're the fuckin' lawyer. What do you think?"
"First thing I think you should do is take a look at it and decide if it really bothers you. If it does, we can take it from there."
"Okay, that was lawyerly enough. Am I gonna hate it, or what?"
"It's ... hell, I don't know. It's just a little strange, I guess."
Marshall thought about it, "Is it really that dirty?"
"Not all of it, but like the article says- there's a lot of sexual content."
"A'ight. I'll check the shit out after I get Hai off to school."
"Call me if you need any help."
"I know how to turn the fucking computer on, Paul. I just got no use for the stupid thing."
Paul laughed and they moved on to discuss his schedule for a few minutes. He'd somehow managed to get a couple of days off, and he wasn't giving them up for anything...
-----//
Disclaimer: I can't remember what was in my disclaimer. I just erased it. Oh, yeah. Some of you are in this fic. Not with any sexual content, just talking. If you have a problem with that, please let me know. Also, I'm not making fun of ANYONE. This is all in the name of humor, so please take it for what it's worth. It's not my intention to offend anyone...Author's Note: A masterpiece this ain't. I'm writing it fast and for the fun of it.
Busted II, chapter 2
Marshall sat down and booted up the computer. He wasted no time pulling up shadyfiction.com, and sat there staring at this beast of a site. He scanned the disclaimer first, and snorted.
The stories contained on this site are for entertainment purposes only. They are completely fictitious, and the authors mean no harm to EMINEM, his family, friends, or anyone else that may have been depicted as a 'real life' character. No money was made on the fiction here, either directly or indirectly, i.e., paid advertising. In other words - it's just a bunch of shit we wrote for fun. Please don't take it seriously.
"The authors mean no harm? They writing about fuckin' HOBBIT HUMPING, and they mean no harm?" He said aloud. "Ain't this some shit."
Try as he did, he couldn't find the gay stuff. Not that it mattered- it was all personal. He clicked on "Julie's Story" first, read the first chapter, and nearly strained his eyeballs rolling them. He kept going though, and the next time he looked at the clock, it was almost 2:00 in the afternoon.
Fan fiction was some stupid groupie shit if he ever saw it. He could just imagine these girls sitting at their computers thinking about what it would be like to fuck him. There were a lot of them though-- he checked out the site stats and nearly fell out of his chair. Over a million hits in March. If he decided to make an issue of it, he could damn well forget keeping it quiet.
That pissed him off more than anything. He picked up the phone and called Paul.
“Rosenberg.”
“It’s me. Did you see how much traffic this bitch gets?”
“Amazing, huh?”
“Maybe I should just do a fuckin’ porno and satisfy their curiosity.”
“It would sell,” Paul laughed. "So I take it you aren't happy? Do you want me to send a Cease and Desist Letter?"
“I don’t know that it would be a good idea to fuck with it. I’d like to, but it would probably make the news. Kim’s gonna go nuclear if she ever gets wind of this…”
“Do you care?”
“Yeah, I fuckin’ care. It’s one thing for me to talk shit about her, but she ain’t none of anybody else’s business. I put her in a song, that’s one thing- but this is… You know how much shit we been through. And these women got no business what-so-fuckin-ever writing anything about Hai. That’s my baby, man.”
“How much of it did you read?”
“Most of Julie’s Story. Prisoner by Dru, Early Morning by Christine, and-.”
Paul started choking, and Marshall knew he was trying not to laugh. “Well I wanted to see what this shit was!”
“Sorry. Just can’t imagine you reading all that.”
“I couldn’t find none of the gay stuff.”
“You’re scaring me, Marsh.”
“It’s probably all on the GLAAD site.”
“I ran down the guy that wrote the article. He said there’s stories in more than one place. Shadyfiction apparently doesn’t host slash fiction.”
“What’s ‘at?”
“The gay stuff. He said Jenn commented on it, but said she wasn’t into it personally.”
“He say anything else about her? You think we could rattle her cage and just scare her off?”
“He said she was definitely concerned about your reaction. Never thought the site would get that big.”
“So it’s a possibility?”
“Maybe… what did you have in mind?”
Chapter 3
Marshall logged on to shadyfiction again that night. Hailie was in bed, and the house was quiet. He’d familiarized himself with the site earlier that day, and knew exactly where he wanted to go. He clicked on ‘feedback form,’ and typed in his entry:
Are you girls high on crack? This is some stupid ass shit! I saw "Computer Love" in XXL and decided to check it out, but I can’t believe they even printed that now. Julie’s Story? Hello? You little girls think Em’s gonna marry some bitch just because she’s broke? There’s broke people all over. Ain’t Em’s fuckin’ problem. And Jenn? What are you, a porn writer? Or an ugly bitch that got no life? If you respected Em as an artist, you’d can this site. It should be about the MUSIC not his dick, Kim, Hailie, or any of the other personal shit you think you got rights to. Fuck off, all you. This is embarrassing to the real fans.
He clicked on ‘submit,’ and smirked when he went to review the results.
~*~
Jenn was in the middle of some work she was doing on a contract job when her Outlook mail started flashing pop-up notices like crazy. She saw the tagline IGNORANT BALLSACK on one from Lilykai, and clicked to open her inbox. She pulled up the message and kicked back in her chair to read:
Did you see the live feedback page? It's time for a rousing chorus of "Fuck Off, You Silly Cunt." And just a heads up... you have a new member on the forum: SlimAnus.
Aloha,
KaiJenn typed a short reply and logged onto the forum first. SlimAnus hadn’t posted anything yet, so she hit the live feedback page to see what was going on. The entry kind of pissed her off, but she’d figured the XXL article was going to bring the whack jobs out in droves. Well, here we go. She thought.
Her fingers itched to hit the keyboard with a shitty reply, but she didn’t do it. That would just add fuel to the fire, and she knew it. Instead she went back into the forum and viewed the active users list. SlimAnus was still logged in and she/he/it was flying all over the place reading the other members’ posts. So far S.A. hadn’t replied to anything, but it was obvious the person was still getting oriented.
In the meantime, the emails were coming in steadily. Four people had already alerted her to the message on the live feedback page, and she had to laugh. The shadyfiction crew was on it…
Chapter 4
Marshall was overwhelmed by the forum at first. He jumped around trying to get a feel for it, and finally landed on a thread in Latest News entitled, “Scan of the XXL article, Computer Love.” He read all the posts with a sense of disbelief and decided this was where he’d start. He clicked on the Reply button and typed:
Yo, you all think YOU got a problem wit’ that article? How do you suppose EMINEM likes it? You write all this dumbass shit about him, and now you’re cryin’ because someone CALLED YOU ON IT? Wake the fuck up! You a bunch of groupies, ain’t no question about it. What are you gonna do if he comes here? Offer to suck his dick?
SlimAnusHe clicked on Post and jetted out of there. He went to Eminem fanfiction next, and found the thread for "Julie’s Story" since Jenn was numero uno on his shit list. If he could get rid of her, he could say goodbye to shadyfiction.
He read the latest update and felt a little twitch in his pants regardless of the fact he thought the story was ludicrous. That gave him an idea, and he started typing again:
Jenn,
How much you charge an hour, baby? ‘Cuz you obviously a professional SLUT.
SlimAnus
----//
Jenn reloaded the main forum page and saw at once that her new little friend SlimAnus had posted in Latest News. She wasn’t surprised when she saw the reply was to the Computer Love thread, and clicked to open it.
A minute later she was still thinking about her reply when it occurred to her to reload the page again. SlimAnus already had a couple of answers to his commentary:
Look man shut da fuk up dont be startin shit ... we don’t need dat shit in here. If u don’t like da fics, get OUT.
Sky_jay
----//Off topic, but has anyone ever seen Pulp Fiction? you know that bit in the basement of the pawn shop where Butch and Marcellus Wallis are wearing those gags with the red balls?
Does anyone have one spare? I need to borrow it real quick.
Aloha,
Kai----//
Jenn figured Sky and Kai had it covered, so she backed out of the thread. She saw at once the Eminem fanfiction category was moving though, and clicked on it. Lo and behold, the "Julie’s Story" thread was at the top.
She read the post from SlimAnus and cracked up. Someone was trying awfully hard to piss her off. She couldn’t resist this time, and poised her fingers over the keyboard:
SlimAnus,
Sorry, I don’t do charity work. If you have to ask how much I charge an hour- you can’t afford me.
Jenn
----//
Marshall returned from the kitchen with his Mountain Dew and sat back down at the computer. He popped the top, and took a long swallow while he reloaded the forum page. Sure enough, he had replies to his posts. He went to Jenn’s in Eminem fanfiction first.
The fucking Mountain Dew he was drinking went right up his nose when he snorted, and Marshall slammed the can down. That little smartass! He jerked the keyboard towards him once again:
Too bad you hiding behind a computer, or I’d have you on your knees already.
SlimAnus
----//
He went from there back to Latest News and read replies from Sky_jay and Kai. He grinned with satisfaction, because he’d obviously managed to piss them off already. He left them another note:
I ain’t sayin’ nothing but the TRUTH. Almost every one of them stories got Em fuckin’ some bitch. Now you tell me- why you write shit like that if you ain’t groupies?
SlimAnus
----//
Marshall went back to the main forum page and saw there was a new post in Eminem fanfiction. He clicked to open it, and saw the last thread reply was Julie’s Story. He opened it and scrolled down the page.
SlimAnus,
You’d have me on my knees already? You think? That’s big talk for a little dick, I’ll give you that.
Jenn
----//
Go Jenn!!! I think you should ban the arsehole!
RaeRae
----//
^^^^^ I’ll second that!
Shorty
----//
Marshall pecked out another reply because he wasn’t goddamned leaving until he got Jenn riled. And that was proving to be a little harder than he’d expected.
Jenn,
No doubt in my mind if I drop a couple hundreds you’ll let me slap you in the face with it. You can decide then on size.
SlimAnus
----//
After he posted, Marshall tipped his chair back and sipped his drink. He belched loud enough to make the walls shudder, but Hai wasn’t around to yell at him for being, “gross, Dad!” He clicked on reload until he got his answer, and it came a couple of minutes later:
SlimAnus,
For a couple of hundreds I’ll point and laugh. Try again, sweetie.
Jenn
----//
Marshall blinked, and then snapped up the keyboard again. The wise-assed bitch didn’t know who she was fucking with!
~*~
Jenn had had enough of SlimAnus. She wasn’t to the point of blasting him yet, but she was a lot more pissed off than she let on. She signed onto her AIM account and sent an instant message to Kai.
shadyfiction: can you believe this prick?
lilykai: mixed bag of nuts, Jenn. I keep telling you. Are you gonna ban the account?
shadyfiction: not until I fuck with 'em some more.
lilykai: grab your ass...your forked tail is showing. Are those horns?
shadyfiction: fuck you, Kai. You're just pissed I called shotgun first.
lilykai: Fine. I'll ride bitch, but... ooh, Savvy's on! Tag team!
shadyfiction: LMAO! Let's roll.Jenn fired off a quick instant message to her good friend Savannah Rae, and told her there was high drama on the forum. Savvy hit her back with, “Just point him out.”
And then things really got interesting…
Chapter 5
Marshall responded to Jenn’s last post:
Kinda hard to point and laugh since I’d haveta stick a bag over your ugly head.
SlimAnus
----//
He reloaded the page until he got a response:
That was weak, SlimAnus. Is that how you fuck? Start off strong and then fizzle out in the first round?
~ Jenn
----//
Marshall shoved his chair back with a snort and crossed the room. He grabbed up the phone and dialed.
“Yo.”
“It’s me. You busy?” He barked.
Proof laughed, “Who pissed you off?”
“Some bitch on the computer! Can you get online?”
There was silence on the line, and then his best friend burst out laughing. “Let me guess. You read XXL today.”
Busted, Marshall thought. “Yeah, so what?”
“And you mean to tell me some l’il computer nerd is gettin’ the best of you?”
“She ain’t a computer nerd, Proof. She’s SATAN. Every fuckin’ thing I say to this bitch, she just hurls right back at me!”
“Yeah, well… I checked that site out today, too. I don’t think she as dumb as the guy in XXL thinks she is. Read her quote again.”
“I ain’t got the magazine wit’ me. It’s downstairs.”
“It was the part where she said some of us might be pissed or not even care- somethin’ like that. Then she said it depended on your ‘acceptance of fame,’ and whether or not you understood the shit.”
“So?”
“So, she’s basically saying anyone’s got a problem with it- they stupid and insecure.”
Marshall thought about it, and he could see Proof’s point. That didn’t mean he liked it, though. “She’s a smartass bitch, dawg. You got no idea…” He had no sooner finished saying it when Proof cracked up.
“She called you a two minute man?”
“What the hell? You signed on?”
“Yeah.”
Marshall carried the phone back with him to the computer. He reloaded the page, but Jenn was still waiting for a response to her last post.
“You better say something. She gonna think she got the best of you.”
He was busy viewing the user list, though, and had a laugh of his own. “You signed up as P. Diddy?”
“Well, I wasn’t gonna be myself, SlimAnus!”
They continued to argue for a minute, until Proof interrupted. “She got reinforcements in there. Reload the page.”
“Lemme guess. Sky_jay, lilykai, Shorty, and RaeRae.”
“You always was good wit’ names, but right now it’s Gemini, Savannah Rae, and … 50 Cent. They all sitting in that thread for Julie’s Story.”
“Say what?”
“Somebody’s logged on as 50. You want me to call him?”
Marshall wasn’t paying attention. He was typing:
,
If you wanna know how I fuck, I gotta see a picture of you first. Then maybe I’ll tell you.
Slim Anus
----//
“Marsh? The fuck was that? You tellin’ her off or flirting?” Proof laughed.
“Just hang on. She ain’t gonna have a response…”
But she did. Proof saw it first, and Marshall couldn’t hear himself think over his friend’s howling, “Reload the page!”
Marshall clicked, and he got his picture:
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
vChapter 6
Jenn exited the thread and viewed the user list to see if SlimAnus was still signed on. He was. As was P. Diddy, Savannah Rae, lilykai, RaeRae, amy, faith313, AmandaFae, Choirgirl, Phreakyy, zznightdreamerzz, Aimee, Tine, Shorty, Taz, Thaly-Ann, fuckthesource, mememe, faith, Gemini, Kathy, oOShadyGurlOo, Sky, SteCMC, Shady Angel, Rana, Emma, crackedporcelain, Lilshorty2140, Pimpin03, TennisGirl0487, and 50 Cent.
If she were a bettin’ girl, she’d guess P. Diddy and 50 Cent were with SlimAnus. The fuckers were seriously outnumbered, too. She hadn’t seen so many people signed on at one time in months. She reloaded the page:
Go Jenn, Go Jenn, it's yo birthday, it's yo birthday...
~ Shady Angel
----//
Does anyone else smell blood? I've said it before but it bears repeating.. you've got game, girl!
~ Savannah Rae
----//
Looks to me like grandma there don’t need to be havin’ another birthday. You got false teeth, Jenn? How much for a naked blow job?
~ P. Diddy
----//
She could only assume that meant P. Diddy wanted to be gummed a little, and she typed out a reply:What, SlimAnus got squeamish already and sent a little weenie wagger to take his place? I’ve got a full set of teeth, P. Diddy. I’ll pick ‘em with that sorry dick of yours if you come any closer.
~ Jenn
----//
Marshall grinned into the phone. “NOW do you see what I’m talkin’ about?”
“All hail little Ms. Satan. My balls just shriveled,” Proof snorted.
“I’ll call Bizarre. You call Swift and Kon.”
“Kuniva still outta town?”
“Yep. You think that’s Curtis in there? Would he sign on as himself?”
“Probably. Cocky fucker. I’ll see if I can get him on the line too.”
Marshall reached for his Mountain Dew and took a swig. He belched into the phone. “That’s right. You know how to do that conference call shit. I can never get it to work.”
“Christ, Marsh. I felt the reverb on that one!” His friend replied, obviously referring to his world class burp.
“Nice huh?”
“I had chili for dinner.”
“Your farts can’t scare me when you ain’t here. Now get everybody on the line that you can and then call me back. I gotta find something for Jenn, and I’m shit with the damned computer. I know Paul sent me somethin’ in an email, though…” He muttered.
“Aiight.”
Proof hung up, and Marshall spent five minutes trying to open his email, but it didn’t work. He glared at the monitor, and an idea occurred to him. He hesitated for a split second and then gave a mental shrug. Why not?
Can anybody help me with this fucking shit Outlook program?
~ Slim Anus
----//
He waited a minute and reloaded the page:
SlimAnus,
As much as I know I’m going to regret this: what’s wrong?
~ Jenn
----//
He refused to feel guilty that she was helping him. He pecked out another reply:
I can’t see the messages. I got the ‘welcome to microsoft, you suck ass,’ page. That’s it.
~ Slim Anus
----//
It only took her a few seconds to hit him back that time:
Just click on ‘inbox.’ It’s at the top of the menu on the left.
~ Jenn
----//
Marshall went back into Outlook, clicked on ‘inbox,’ and all his mail popped up. Satan had skills.
Jenn,
You must be snorting happy dust to help me, but I’ma say thanks to you anyway. SLUT.
~ SlimAnus
----//
Her reply to that?
SlimAnus,
I always try to help those that are fuck-witted. You’re welcome.
~ Jenn
----//
Even he had to give credit where it was due, and Marshall was still laughing when the phone rang.
... to be continued
Author: jenn@shadyfiction.com
These stories are for entertainment purposes only. They are completely fictitious, and the authors mean no harm to EMINEM, his family, friends, or anyone else that may have been depicted as a 'real life' character. No money was made on the fiction here, either directly or indirectly, i.e. paid advertising. In other words - it's just a bunch of shit we wrote for fun. Please don't take it seriously.
