Prologue
Marshall-
I'm about to attempt something rarely tried before- honesty, which isn't easy for me. I'm a lawyer.
I can count on my hand the number of people I've had relations with- rela*tions*, mind you and not relation*ships*. Jen says I have 'male' issues- or trust issues. I guess being locked in a closet for the most important part of your childhood will do that to you, huh? I don't know- maybe there's still stuff I haven't remembered. Maybe I close myself off from relationships because I *like* the dark safety of the closet. How sick is that?
But for whatever the reason, I became this… lawyer- independent, strong-willed, smart, sassy- I guess I've tried to hide the image of that scared little girl. I kept her locked away inside because I *never* wanted to feel that vulnerable ever again. And I haven't.
That is, until I spent the night in your arms. And I don't know what to do with that information.
I've never felt *safe* before, with anyone, even my own mother. I suppose there will always be a part of me that blames her for what happened. But I've never felt especially safe with a man. Any man. And up until the past few years I had no *reason* for that. I thought it was due to the lack of having a father and I suppose, in part, it is.
Even with Rob- the pity I saw in his eyes when he looked at me hurt me. I *knew* I was safe with him, but I never *felt* it. Until you- until I was with you.
Being with you… was the first time when I even remotely opened up emotionally during sex and… it was amazing- passionate and powerful. And it terrified me.
Maybe I ran from you because the risk is too great. If I get too close… I could end up back in the dark and it's one thing to be in a self-imposed darkness than to be in a forced night.
Still, against my better judgment- I'm sitting here on my bed with my baby daughter sleeping next to me, writing this letter to you and I have no idea if it'll even get there or if I'll pussy out the last minute and not mail it. Either way- at least it's written down and that's a first step.
Honestly? There is no job in New York. I made it up as an excuse- to run. God- I don't know what I'm trying to say here. It's *so* stupid. I *wish* I could be as full of words *here* as I am in court.
I often wonder what would have happened had we woken up beside each other, either one of the nights we spent together. If I'd woken up and seen someone actually *looking* at me- someone who somehow under*stood* me… I don't know. It's like I'm supposed to know these things but my life is full of these empty pockets of knowledge that I missed out on or could never learn.
So why am I telling you this? (If it indeed gets into your hands…) I guess it's because I think about you every day. There's so much I need to tell you. I think about being with you- talking with you- kissing you- I think about waking up next to you and I… it's silly that I can miss someone I haven't even spent a week with, but- I do.
And this leads me to further ask the question- what the hell do I expect to accomplish with this? And I guess the answer, really, is nothing. I know I said 'no'. I said I can't, and even though I'm not sure if that was completely true, I know it partially was. I can't because I don't know *how*. I wouldn't know where to start.
So just take this letter and rip it up, burn it- take whatever garble I've written and forget it. It's coming from the shots of tequila I did earlier out of the mind of a crazed dark-hater closet-lover, if that makes any sense at all. -Rae
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^*^*^*^*^
I reread the crumpled letter a few times before putting it back in the envelope and placing it back in the pile of fanmail.
I just can't deal with this right now.
1
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~*~*~*~*~
"Do you think it's a cold?"
"She could just have the sniffles, Rae. Kids get sniffles. No big deal."
"What if it's the flu?"
"Could be allergies."
"What if it's pneumonia?"
"RAE! Stop obsessing over this! She coughed. *Once*."
I look over at my sister and stare for a second. "You're right."
"I *know*," she states, before turning back to her book.
"What are you gonna do with your life, Jen?"
"Huh?"
"You're gonna be nineteen in a month. What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know. Why? Gonna kick me out?"
"No. You know I love having you here, but- don't you wanna go to college?"
"Sure. Maybe I'll go to Michigan State."
"Drop it," I tell her authoritatively. Not that it'll do any good.
"I just think that-"
"Drop it," I repeat, a bit louder.
"She's six months old- don't you think she deserves-"
"A house with no yelling? Yes. Now *drop* it, or I *will* tell you to move out," I say, before getting up and carrying Meg into the kitchen. She could use a bath. "Can't you? A nice warm bath."
"Rae-"
"Stop, Jen. Just *stop*." I start filling up the baby bathtub with warm water.
"Fine."
"Do you have plans for tomorrow? I'm supposed to go on another interview at noon."
"Another one?" She asks. "You have a *million* dollars. Why work at all?"
"I told you before and this is the *last* time we're having this conversation. I'm saving the money for Megan. I don't want it. And *no*. I'm not going to 'cash' in on Megan. She's not a way of earning income. I don't need his help and-"
"What about Megan? What does *she* need? She needs a father. And he needs his daughter."
"I should have *never* told you," I scold myself. Not that I did it on purpose, but- she's been relentless with this ever since.
"You didn't mean to- but you did, Rae. And he should know- he should have the *choice*. He's not gonna lock her in a closet, Rae. You shouldn't be afraid of th-"
"Fuck you," I whisper to her harshly. "You don't *know* what it was like, so *don't* assume you have any authority to talk about it or judge me. And I swear, Jen, if you tell *any*one-"
"Don't worry, *Raven*. I won't say a damn thing," she says, grabbing her coat from the chair.
"Where are you going?"
"Out." The door slams behind her. God dammit.
-------------
^*^*^*^*^
"Look at the colors, Daddy! Look!" Hailie runs over to me carrying color swatches.
"What are these for, Baby?"
"My new room! Mommy said we're gonna make my room bigger!"
"Oh yeah- you wanna paint it?"
"Daddy, I think the green is a little… ugly."
"No green. Check. You pick out the colors you want and that's what we'll do." I pull her into my lap and she starts flipping through the colors.
"She wanted to go crazy, Marsh. You shoulda seen her in the kid's isles. They've got all kinds of borders- she couldn't decide. So I told her we weren't gonna decide on anything for two weeks. So she can really think about what she might want."
"Talked to the construction guys. We've got the permits and everything. They start in two weeks- once they finish up another job."
"Great. How long did they say it would take?"
"Three to four months."
"So… we'll have it done by school start. Huh?"
"I'd say it'll be done mid-July or so."
"Great."
"I'm gonna go hold these up to the walls in my room!" Hailie runs off and I look down at my notebook.
"You okay?" Kim asks.
"Just distracted, I guess."
"You've been kinda down lately. Anything I can do to help?" She asks, sitting next to me.
"Yeah. Gimme a hug." And she does.
"Is it about Raven?"
"Did I… I know I did tell you I thought…. but, god- I was so *sure* that her baby was mine."
"What? Thought you said it wasn't." Kim pulls away and looks at me.
"Yeah, but do the math- the baby was three months old and I hadn't seen her for a year. Three and nine is a year. Plus- we didn't use a condom- and she had blue eyes, like Hailie's…"
"Whad she say when you asked? You never told me."
"I asked her. She got pregnant after we were together, with an ex-boyfriend, but she doesn't want him to know because he was the type to try and get the baby or something… she didn't want him involved."
"Oh. But- it's not."
"Apparently not, but-"
"You wanted it to be."
"I thought I was through with kids, Kim. Hailie is perfect. I thought that was it and I was okay with that. But… when I thought it *could* be- I was… excited."
"It's only natural, Marshall. I'm surprised we never had any more, since you're so good with them."
"I guess," I say, relaxing into the couch. "I got a letter from her a couple few weeks back."
"Oh? Whad it say?"
"I'm not exactly sure. It was in the fanmail."
"You're not sure?" She asks.
"No. It was sorta… jumbled."
"Why don't you call her?" I don't know. Why don't I?
"She'd probably hang up."
"So *go* to her."
"Kim-"
"Wanna know why I was at that bar?" HUH? What the- we've *never* talked about that. I mean *never*. Not when she bailed me out. Not during the trial. Not even after. And *not* since.
"What?"
"Wanna know?"
"Yes."
"Because I wanted you to chase me."
"What?"
"I wanted to know if you cared enough to go after me or get angry."
"That's why?"
"That's why. You'd been ignoring me for a while and I wanted to see if I could make you mad. I just didn't think you'd have a gun. That's why I left the message on the machine to let you know where I was. I wanted you to come and find me."
Wow. That's just… "So how come it still didn't work?"
"Dunno. We're better friends, I guess."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Maybe you should go after her- *go* to her."
"What if she slams the door in my face?"
"Least you'll know. But what if she thinks you don't care enough."
Duh. I guess for an abused kid- that might be the assumption when someone doesn't come after you. Right? I have no idea. Maybe no one that has *cared* has bothered to chase her when she's running. "Kim-"
"Go. I've got Hailie."
"Are you- why are you doing this?"
"Because I think this is your shot," she says with a smile. "Go take it."
"I love you," I say before kissing her on the cheek and running upstairs. I've gotta pack. I've gotta get a plane ticket and say goodbye to Hailie.
I've gotta go take my shot.
2
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~*~*~*~*~
Things have been… *tense*… to say the least.
My mood certainly hasn't been helping, either.
God- what *is* it with me? I drop my book onto my desk and go out to the other room where Jen is sitting watching television. MTV. What else would she watch?
"Hey," I say, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch. "Aren't you tired? It's past midnight."
"I'm relatively young," she states.
"Jen- can we talk?"
"Talk?" She asks, not looking away from the newest Shakira video.
"You know I love you, Jen, but this isn't your business."
"I think you made that abundantly clear," she says in that… teenager voice.
"If you wanna go to college- don't feel you have to stay here and help me. I can cover it myself."
"Right- single motherhood *and* career? Without the help of your child's *father*, who, I might add, is fabulously wealthy and *loves* kids?"
"It's complicated."
She mutes the TV. "What are you gonna say to her, Rae? When she's fifteen and wants to know who her father is, what are you gonna say?"
"That it was someone I had a one-night stand with." And I am *so* glad I didn't tell her about the *second* night because I'd never hear the end of it.
"Rae, I just don't understand why you would just throw away your chance at happiness?"
"Happiness?!" I question. "You wanna know about *happiness*, Jen? How fuckin' happy would it be for her if we were *arguing* all the time, huh? You wanna know how we ended up in bed together?! We were *arguing*! What kind of a home life is that for a kid?"
"Why don't you just *call* him?!"
"Can you *please* let me make *my* decisions for my child and let them be *mine*?"
"I know you liked him," she says.
"Can we please drop this?" I ask. "I'm too *tired* to have this conversation again. It's *over*. It was a one-time thing and-"
"I know about the letter," she mutters as she sighs and gets up off the couch and WHAT?!
"What?! What letter?"
"The letter you wrote to him," she says and I follow her into the kitchen.
"You went through my stuff?"
"No- I found it."
"Where?!" Shit- I was wondering where the fuck it went, although I was a tad… drunk… when I wrote it and I thought I'd thrown it out.
"The garbage." Oh.
"You go through my garbage?"
"I was emptying your garbage and it caught my eye. If you want him, Rae, go for it. If he made you feel safe- why not trust that feeling? Why not see where it goes? Isn't it about time you opened the door, Rae?"
"I don't *want* him to save me from the dark, Jen. I don't wanna be with someone who pulls me out of the closet."
"Maybe that's not what'll happen," she says before kissing my cheek and adding, "Maybe he'll sit in there *with* you." And then, she says goodnight and leaves me to ponder how my sister can be so fuckin' *smart*?
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^*^*^*^*^
Okay. I *hate* planes.
Well- lemme rephrase that- I hate them during bad weather when they're all turbulent and rockin' and shit. It's… unnerving.
Shit. I hate planes.
I try and relax but I swear… I can't do this. I glance at my watch. Still two hours until we'll land in LA and what the HELL is wrong with this weather?!
I swear- if I die in a plane crash- I'll be fuckin' *pissed*.
Shit. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing. I listened to *Kim*. Like she's the expert on relationships! She obviously didn't do a very good job with *ours*! What makes me think she can give me advice about *this*.
I just… I look down at the letter in my hand. I should have called when I got this. But what the hell- she *told* me to back off so I did. And then she sends this letter?!
I just wish I knew what she wants from me. I hope she wants me to come to her.
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~*~*~*~*~
I glance at the clock. Three in the afternoon and I really don't feel like getting up. God- I'm so tired.
"Knock, knock," Jen says as she comes into my room with Meg in her arms. "You awake?"
"Yeah," I sigh and turn on my side, pulling up the covers.
"Hey- you gotta get up, Rae."
"Don't wanna."
"Rae-" she says, placing her hand on my back.
"Please don't," I whisper. I don't wanna think about this. I don't wanna think about how I fucked up my only shot at something real. God- will I be forever doomed to live my life alone and in the dark? In that closet? And it's not like I *remembered* it all my life- but it's *always* there.
"Okay," she says, standing up. "*I'll* raise your daughter. She won't have a father *or* mother."
She closes the door behind her forcefully. I sigh. I guess I've gotta get up. I can't shut down like this again- not like I did before- not with Rob. I gotta move on. I have before. I will again.
I shoulda sent that letter.
God- I'm gonna be sick.
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^*^*^*^*^
Okay. Car rental- check. Now- I had the fun idea that I could get a map of LA and find her building, which now that I think about it was one of the stupider things I've done, third to packin' a pistol that night and druggin' as much as I have.
It would just be really funny if I ended up in a bad part of LA and got shot up like Pac.
Granted- it wouldn't be in the *funniest* sense of 'funny' but-
~*~*~*~*~
I rinse my mouth with water and spit it into the sink. God- I *hate* puking.
I climb into the shower and the water is *hot*.
God it feels good. I just keep thinking about what Jen said. All this time, I was waiting for someone to save me when I just need someone to understand and *join* me. Maybe that's the real reason Rob and me didn't work. He wanted to *fix* me but I *am* fixed- as fixed as I'll be. I don't know.
I don't know.
Doesn't matter anymore though, does it?
I've just gotta deal with the circumstances that I've been dealt.
I pull my robe on and walk out the living room where Jen's dancing around with Megan to the pop station on the radio. "You're right," I tell her. "I've got a daughter. And I have to be a mother."
She stops dancing and looks at me. "You're not keeping her protected, Rae- you think that every guy is like your dad and that if you keep them away from you and Meg, that you'll save yourself the pain. But that's simply not true, Rae. You're keeping yourself from the *joy*."
"I know," I say softly and I finally do. "But it's over."
Ohgod- I'm gonna be sick again. I run to the sink and puke what little is left in my stomach. "You okay, Rae?"
"Yeah- I'm just… not feeling well."
"You're exhausted. You need an emotional vacation. We should go somewhere with Meg."
"Like where?" I ask with a smile.
"Dunno. I hear Puerto Rico is good!"
"That's a bit too far."
"What about going north? What about like… renting a cabin in Montana or something? That would be fun!"
"Yeah- that does sound good. We'll look into it, okay?" I ask, pouring myself a glass of juice. Oh- I love this song… "Bring Me To Life"…
"You know I don't agree with your decisions, Rae. But I'll support your choices."
"Thanks," I say and there's a knock on the door. "Who's that?"
^*^*^*^*^
This better be it. But I think it is and minimal bloodshed! That's good.
I knock on the door.
~*~*~*~*~
I walk to the door. Maybe that DVD that I ordered is here.
I open it up and- "Ohmygod."
"Um… hi," he says. "I… uh- got your letter."
"My letter?" I ask, seeing it in his hand. My letter!
"Well- me and Meg are gonna for a walk- maybe to the park, a movie- maybe a hotel overnight- bye!" Jen tries to scoot by me but I grab her arm.
"JEN!"
"Um… yeah- well… surprise?!"
"How could you-"
"OH COME ON, RAE! You were too pussy to send it yourself so-"
"SO YOU BUTTED IN ON MY BUSINESS?!"
^*^*^*^*^
Well- isn't this fun?!
"Rae- it's fates way of giving you a hint. *Take* it." With that, she takes the baby and rushes out the door with a baby bag and car keys.
"Hi," she says.
3
^*^*^*^*^
Why does she always answer the door in some sort of terrycloth?
I can't take it. I step forward, wrap an arm around her waist and pull her against me before kissing her. Gently at first, but she succumbs and kisses me back, softly. God- I love her lips.
Shit. It's tender and wet and not really rushed and when it's over, I pull away an inch or so and sigh, "Hi."
~*~*~*~*~
"What are you-"
"Shh," he says, kissing me softly again. "Just- lemme say what I gotta say."
I nod. "Come inside?"
He walks inside and I close the door and pull my robe tighter. I should get dressed. But I don't *want* to…
"I know your childhood wasn't peachy," he says. "Mine wasn't either. We've both got our parent issues and trust issues. But don't it say somethin' that we *both* seem to trust each other? I've beat around the bush too much- I think we both have. I told you I wanted to see you again- that's true, but not completely. I *want* something with you, Rae. I think we could be really good together- not just in bed… although that has it's appeal as well… but I mean *us*.
"I'm not proposing or anything here… I just- want you to give us a shot. Want *us* to give us a shot. Maybe… maybe we'll fall in love, maybe we won't. But I wanna know if we *could*."
Oh god. I should tell him about Megan. I should tell him everything- the truth. I should tell him he has two children and I should tell him that I want him more than I've wanted anything ever before. I should tell him I want so desperately to be with him and wake up with him…
But I don't have the words and my tongue is too big for my mouth and I can't say anything and I just stand there looking at him until he turns away and starts heading for the door because he doesn't know that my silence really means that I *could* love him and it terrifies me that I've never felt this much- oh god he's leaving-
"Dance with me," I say softly when my favorite song starts playing on the radio.
"What?"
I walk over to him and take his hand in mine before pulling him against me gently and whispering, "Come away with me in the night. Come away with me and I will write you a song."
He wraps his arms around me and I rest my head on his shoulder as we sway gently to the music.
//Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us with their lies//
^*^*^*^*^
It's dumb, but I smell her hair, bury my nose in it because I haven't gotten to do that yet- those little date things. I run my hand up her back and back down to the swell of her ass. I pull her against me and kiss her head, feel her arms around me and I get it. She just can't describe it- can't tell me always what she's feeling.
//I want to walk with you on a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come//
I have the same problem sometimes. I can't get it out unless it's in rhyme- I pour my soul out in my music. But she doesn't have it. It's easy when you bury yourself in work, but when it comes to personal shit- she's letting the song do the talking.
She lifts her head and we're kissing again. She rubs the back of my neck, gently pushes me toward her to deepen the kiss.
//Come away with me and we'll kiss on a mountaintop
Come away with me and I'll never stop loving you//
~*~*~*~*~
His hand slowly pushes my robe off one of my shoulders and I should stop him. I should tell him about Megan *now*, before we get too deep and he can't forgive me for lying. But a part of me thinks maybe that would be better for all of us- for him *not* to *want* to be involved with me anymore so I don't stop him.
His lips graze my skin as he kisses my shoulder and neck ever so softly. I can feel his breath lightly on my skin while his other hand is slowly pulling the robe up and slipping his hand underneath. I moan when I feel his hand caressing my bare skin.
I push his zip-up hoody off his shoulders and start to pull his shirt up.
^*^*^*^*^
Ohgod- she paints lines of fire on my skin as she slips her hand under my t-shirt to run circles on my back with her fingertips.
I push the robe off her other shoulder before moving my lips there. I suck on her skin softly and it tastes so good. I slip my hand inside the robe and around her waist to her bare back as we sway to the music.
//And I want to wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you to come away with me in the night//
I kiss her again softly, lick her lips, before feeling the soft wetness of her mouth around my tongue. She starts stepping backwards, pulling me with her. I go all too willingly and are we really doing this?
I mean- shouldn't we talk? But knowing us- we'd just fuck it up anyway… and she's gotta be feelin' how hard I'm getting. And fuck- we can *really* not let more than six months lapse between feelin' each other like this.
I kick her bedroom door shut as we get inside. She walks us backward toward the bed and she slips her hand inside my boxers and she's so hot against my skin. So hot.
She steps away from me and looks into my eyes and- is she crying? I take her face in my hands and kiss her eyes, her nose, her chin, her lips and she steps back a bit further. I watch as she sits on the bed and slides herself up the bed.
I drop my jacket to the floor and step out of my sneakers before takin' my shirt off.
~*~*~*~*~
He crawls up my body and I let my hands glide over his body as he does, finally coming to rest on his back as his lips reach for mine. I drag my fingers up his stomach to his shoulders and down his arms that hold him above me.
God- this is really happening. We're… making love. And I've never done that before.
His tongue slides down my throat to my collarbone and down. I slowly untie the robe and he looks down at me when I push it off to reveal my naked form. God- his lips continue their trail downward as his tongue traces the curves of my breasts and draws circles around my nipples.
I don't know what to do with myself- I run my fingers through his short hair and down his back and start pushing down his pants, but he takes one of my hands and brings it to his lips. "Relax," he says. "Just… relax."
His lips trace my navel before traveling down and I whimper when his tongue begins tracing the lines of my sex, much like a painter's brush would paint my body on a canvas. God I should tell him. I should tell him everything- Megan… everything. He has to know but I don't want him to stop. I don't want this to end.
^*^*^*^*^
Her body arches off the bed a bit when I slide two fingers inside her wet channel. It's not hot in this room, but her body is covered in a thin, barely visible, veil of sweat… or tears. I'm not sure- maybe her *body* is crying.
I just can't believe no one would have loved her this way before- slowly, patiently… maybe they wanted to but she never *let* them.
And she cries as I scissor my fingers gently inside her, feeling her stretch for me, drip for me. I can feel her getting wetter, feel it coming out of her pores as I add a third finger and she whimpers and moans my name and I don't think it's ever sounded better.
I place a kiss on her lips before angling my finger against the top of her channel and she screams helplessly as I rub that little spot and she comes and comes again.
-------------
~*~*~*~*~
I open my eyes and feel his head resting on my abdomen, his fingers still inside me.
If only I could tell him- Oh Marshall- I've never felt this way before- not this safe.
I could love you.
^*^*^*^*^
I smile when I realize I don't think she meant to say that out loud. But she *could*.
And I think I could do the same.
Her hand gently rubs my back for a while before I hear her softly say, "Be inside me, Marshall. *All* of you."
I withdraw my fingers and she whimpers a bit. I get up off the bed and push my sweats and boxers off while she pulls the robe out from under her.
I join her again and settle my hips between her open legs. She wraps her arms around me and her legs around me and pulls me on top of her. I kiss her softly and she kisses me back and she's not crying anymore. It's just me and her and this moment and each other and I feel her hand guide me to her and I just slide inside her completely. And we just lay here like this- connected, me inside her, on top of her, her hands on my back.
~*~*~*~*~
God- "I sit in my closet sometimes," I confess.
"What?" He asks softly, resting his head in the crook of my neck. His hips move just a bit- not too much- just enough to make the waves of pleasure jolt my system.
"Sometimes- during the day, in the middle of the night- sometimes, I'll sit in my closet."
"Why?" He asks.
"Because if I'm there, he can't hurt me."
"Oh, Rae," he says softly before kissing my face again.
Oh god- I *can* tell him. I'm going to tell him. I'm going to tell him my secret… "Marshall?"
"Yes?" He asks me before peppering kisses on my forehead and cheeks.
I'm gong to tell him. I *have* to tell him. He should know.
"I'm pregnant."
^*^*^*^*^
Okay- huh?
"What?" I ask.
"I'm three months pregnant," she says softly, as her muscles contract around me.
I look into her eyes, "Are you sure?" She nods. "Is it… mine?" She nods again.
Ohgod- I'm… she's… we're… "I'm gonna be a daddy?" I whisper.
~*~*~*~*~
Ohgod- his eyes… they just light up and I think he might actually cry… "Yes," I answer and shift my hips a bit, reminding us both of why we're here and why I'm pregnant to begin with. Jen doesn't know yet. I just went to the doctor's last week to find out for sure.
His lips kiss me, more insistently this time, and I wonder what he would have said before- if he had been this happy about Megan… I guess I'll never know.
^*^*^*^*^
I'm… gonna be a daddy again.
I'm making love to the mother of my second child.
She breathes a sigh of relief when I start to thrust inside her and we're beyond the point of slowness now- just knowing that in a few months, she'll be swelled with my child is… amazing.
Fine- I'm a bit of an old mind. I think pregnant women are really sexy.
~*~*~*~*~
Ohgod- he feels so good inside me, right- like he was meant to be here, within me.
I hold his body tight to mine, feel every muscle as he thrusts inside me, over and over again.
"I think I love you, Rae."
WHAT? Did he… did I… make that up in my head? Or did he actually say that very softly?
I open my eyes and see him looking at me, smiling and he kisses me and I can taste it in his kiss and-
^*^*^*^*^
We come together.
//Come away with me//
4
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^*^*^*^*^
I feel her stretch against me and I open my eyes sleepily to find her looking at me with this sort of terrified, frightened look in her eyes. "Morning," I say, before looking out the window and seeing that it's still night. "Or… evening?"
I look over her shoulder to the clock. It's two in the morning.
"Did you mean it?" She asks sleepily.
I place an arm over her hip and pull her toward me. "Yeah, I think I did."
"I-" she says, but stops.
"It's okay," I tell her before kissing her gently. "Go back to sleep," I say and close my eyes as well.
-------------
~*~*~*~*~
It was perfect. His body, his lips… his everything was perfect. Everything about earlier was *perfect*- but… I've lied to him. I kept a secret.
He's going to hate me. He's going to leave.
I let him in and he's going- he's… he'll- take my babies- tell me I'm unfit to be a mother.
And I am. I'm sitting in a fuckin' *closet* for Christ sake.
He'll take my babies and it'll be for the best because he'll hate me and we certainly can't be parents if he hates me and he will. I lied so much.
He'll never forgive me this.
-------------
^*^*^*^*^
I guess I was coming too slowly until I stretched my arm out and realized the other half of the bed was empty.
I open my eyes. Four in the morning.
I stumble into the bathroom groggily, pee and pull my boxers on.
Where is she? Maybe Jen came back- or called? About Megan. Maybe-
Is that- I creep over to the closet and listen carefully.
I knock on the door softly. "Rae?" She doesn't answer and I try to open the door but it won't open. Maybe she's got a lock? On the inside? "Raven? Open the door."
No answer. I fall to my knees beside the door and rest with my back against it. "Rae?" I ask. I know she's there. I can hear her crying softly. I rest my head back on the door. What am I gonna- "Ya know- in the video? How the little boy was in the closet when the mom goes into his room? Well… my mom never *locked* me in there, but I used to hide from her all the time. When she was in one of her moods- used to like the dark."
"Just go," I hear her whisper softly from behind the door.
"I'm not gonna do that, so you might as well come out and come back to bed."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because you're going to hate me."
"What? Why would I hate you? We're having a baby together."
~*~*~*~*~
"We already *have* one," I whisper under my breath.
I rest my head on my knees and close my eyes. God- what the hell am I *doing* here? Isn't it sick that I feel safe here? That out of everywhere in the world, I feel safest when I lock myself in my closet? Jen doesn't know I put a lock on the door on my side. She doesn't know that sometimes… I come in here. But I told him. I told him.
"So… I'd say the most detrimental moment in my life with my mother was when Ronnie died. The morning of the service, my mother and I got into it somethin' wicked." God- he's still talking to me… not for long… not when I tell him. But I just rock back and forth and just listen to him, talking so softly just outside the door. "We was yellin' and shit and she was tellin' me it was my fault Ronnie died and I was… I don't know- maybe I actually believed her. I told her I hated her and she told me she wished it was me… I tried to kill myself that night- took Tylenol, a whole bunch… obviously not enough. What about you?" He asks. "Ever tried?"
"No," I answer through the door.
"Wanted to?"
"No."
"Ya know- I could even forgive my mom for all the childhood shit- for movin' around too much and takin' pills… all that shit- it's part of the disease. But I can't *ever* forgive her for that day. Never."
You won't forgive me for this either. I sigh and start crying again.
"Rae?"
"Uh huh?"
"Can I please come in?" He asks softly.
^*^*^*^*^
"I have a secret," she whispers. God- she sounds just like a little kid. Maybe right now, she is. I don't know, but I hardly think I'm the best person to be dealing with mentally unstable people- but I really don't think she is. She needs something from me, I think.
"Tell me," I say.
"I can't."
"Rae, please, tell me."
"I lied."
"Lied?"
"To you."
"About what?"
"You're- you'll- hate me. You should. What I did…"
"Rae, please, let me in."
"I can't."
"What's your secret?" I ask. God, I just wanna hold her. I can't imagine what the hell she could possibly need to tell me that would make her think I'd *hate* her. What- she screwed Benzino? Ohgod- she didn't fuck him, did she? No- I don't know him- it wouldn't matter, but what if she did it with Proof? Ohgod- my best friend. No… she never met him, really. Ohgod- what it was Paul? "Rae?! Whatever it is- it can't be worse than the thought that just went through my head."
"It's about Megan." Ohgod- is Megan *Paul's* baby?
"What about her?"
"She's… *our* baby."
"What?"
"She's *your* daughter." WHAT?! "I… never *slept* with Rob… after we- I haven't *been* with anyone… but you… in the past year and a half." WHAT?!
MY… WHAT?!
~*~*~*~*~
Ohgod. I *said* it.
And he'll… go. But- at least I had… *one* night with him… really with him- with… love?
Fuck. What the hell am I *doing* in here?
I reach up and undo the lock. But I'm really not sure I wanna go out there and find it as empty as I am in here. What have I done?
^*^*^*^*^
Okay… Megan is *mine*?! She's… I mean- she's *mine*. I have a daughter?! Another one? I have Hailie and now Megan? And another baby on the way?!
Ohmygod. I just… wow.
She *lied* to me. Flat out lied. I asked and she *lied*. God- I was *mad* that night, on my way to see her. I was *pissed*.
Although, I'm having a hard time remembering why. I should be. I know that much- but somehow… I'm not- upset maybe, but… maybe that's the difference between then and now?
Now? I love her.
I really do.
And I guess that means I can forgive her? Or understand?
I know she unlocked the door and I get up on my knees and open the door slowly.
~*~*~*~*~
Ohgod- he's- I look up at him and he… doesn't look mad. He- he's… he crawls into the closet and-
Locks the door behind him.
^*^*^*^*^
Ohmygod- she *dives* into my arms and she's *balling*. "I'm so sorry- I'm sorry- I'm sorry… I didn't know- I'm sorry…"
"Shh," I say, before kissing her and swallowing her words. She's clutching me tightly and just pushes me over onto my back. Shit- this closet is *really* big. And also empty- on the floor anyway.
She straddles me and I notice she's got the robe back on and… now she doesn't. She drops it and is pulling at my boxers, pushing them off my hips enough to get my dick out.
"I'm so sorry… so sorry-" SHIT. Fuck- her pussy just *swallows* me- fuck. She moves her hips, quickly, just chanting apologizes as she rides me- rides us both into oblivion.
Fuck. "Rae- I…" what do I wanna say? Hard to keep track- oh yeah- "I forgive you, Rae. It's okay-"
~*~*~*~*~
OHGOD- he- I scream his name as I come and he's whispering that it's okay and I just come and come and he does too and it's… I feel like… FINALLY. Finally- someone came in *with* me.
Just like Jen said.
^*^*^*^*^
She falls limp onto me, kisses my shoulders and neck and face as we both try and breathe again.
"I'm sorry, Marshall," she whispers.
"I *asked* you- straight out… why'd you lie?"
"I… um… I really don't know." And I believe her. I think somewhere deep down, maybe she thought… I don't know. But I believe her when she says she doesn't know. "Can you… forgive me?"
"Yeah," I say, kissing her forehead. "I guess I can." I have a daughter! And probably somewhere down the road- in a week… I may remember what I was mad- why I should be mad. Maybe we'll fight…
But as I recall- the fighting leads to *great* sex.
"Rae?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me one thing?"
"Uh huh?"
"Not to lie again."
"No more lies," she says, before sealing it with a kiss.
"Can we maybe- I'm tired. Can we go back to the bed?"
"Mmm- sounds nice."
She moves off me and I get up and I hear her unlock the door. I open it and walk out. I turn and see her still sitting on the floor. "Rae?"
She looks up at me, with only softness in her eyes, and says, "I love you."
"I love you too," I say and offer her my hand. "Now would you come out of the closet?"
"Yeah. I think I'm ready."
~*~*~*~*~
And I think I am.
We both crawl back into bed just in time to see the sun starting to peak up from the horizon but we're both too tired to care.
I fall asleep in his arms.
5
-------------
~*~*~*~*~
Ohgod… I don't wanna wake up, but the sun overwhelming my eyes is *too*- wait. It got darker.
I open my eyes to find he's pulled the cover up over our heads to block out the sun.
"Morning," I say softly.
"To you too. How do you feel?"
I take a deep breath and smile, "Happy."
"That's good."
"I'm *really* sorry, Marshall- I just- thought I was making the right decision… and- at first, in the beginning- I *wasn't* sure it- Meg- was yours a-"
"How do you know *now* then?!"
"OH- the eyes- Rob has *no* blue eyes in the family. *None*. And… her nose is a bit…"
"Pointy?"
"Little bit. *And* Rob *always* insisted on using a condom."
^*^*^*^*^
Still- "Would you be- I mean… just-"
"Get a DNA test to be sure?"
"Yeah."
"I actually *had* this looked into- when she was born- and she's got- the blood types don't match. Rob's and hers- I don't remember the details. I've got it written down."
Oh. So- oh. "Why not *call* me?"
"I… tried. But- I didn't… my- parents- they argued. A lot. And we- didn't even get along really-"
"That's *bullshit*, Rae. That's no excuse- you… *robbed* me of *six* *months*. My *daughter* don't even *know* me." Shit- I'm getting upset and she's gonna start getting defensive and this isn't how this morning is supposed to go.
"I know. I don't- I don't have any excuses. I just- I'm sorry."
"I know, I know- I'm just… upset." I *know* she's not really sure why she kept it from me. And logically? I get it. It's just- I think about what I've missed and- I take a deep breath. "Let's not talk about this right now- I *know* you… had your reasons and I know *now*. I just… need some time."
"Okay," she says and starts to roll away from me.
I grab her by the wait and pull her back against me. "Not *now*- just… time in general."
~*~*~*~*~
He starts kissing me again and I sigh and relax into his arms. This is just… perfect… waking up together… what I've always wanted…
And then…
It happens.
I wake up.
My tummy grumbles.
I glance at the clock. Seven in the morning is *too* early for this damn job.
I hear Meg crying and I get up and walk over to the crib. "It's okay, Meg. Mommy's here… and I'm not going *anywhere*- just in my dreams, Baby. Just in my dreams."
I guess some things just aren't meant to be.
-------------
^*^*^*^*^
I blink again and is this really happening?
People are screaming and the plane is shaking so fast I'm gonna be sick. God- is this happening?
"Stay calm," one of the flight attendents says with terror in her eyes and fear plastered on her face.
Ohgod- Hailie! My daughter! Hailie… shit… I glance out the window and I don't think I've seen clouds going by so fast… too fast- we're going too fast, too fast… Hailie- my baby!
What's Kim gonna say to her? God I'll never see her get married… her prom… her children… I pull my cellphone out of my pocket and the numbers are blurry- shaking too much- please let me just hear her once more… let the numbers I push be the right ones…
It's ringing… "Hello?"
"Hailie?"
"DAAADDDY! I miss you so much!"
"Hailie- I love you, Baby. So much- I-"
----------------
THE END
Sorry!
crazyevildru@yahoo.com
Epilogue aka Chpt 5 Version 2 : Alternate (and Preferred) Ending
-------------
~*~*~*~*~
Ohgod… I don't wanna wake up, but the sun overwhelming my eyes is *too*- wait. It got darker.
I open my eyes to find he's pulled the cover up over our heads to block out the sun.
"Morning," I say softly.
"To you too. How do you feel?"
I take a deep breath and smile, "Happy."
"That's good."
"I'm *really* sorry, Marshall- I just- thought I was making the right decision… and- at first, in the beginning- I *wasn't* sure it- Meg- was yours a-"
"How do you know *now* then?!"
"OH- the eyes- Rob has *no* blue eyes in the family. *None*. And… her nose is a bit…"
"Pointy?"
"Little bit. *And* Rob *always* insisted on using a condom."
^*^*^*^*^
Still- "Would you be- I mean… just-"
"Get a DNA test to be sure?"
"Yeah."
"I actually *had* this looked into- when she was born- and she's got- the blood types don't match. Rob's and hers- I don't remember the details. I've got it written down."
Oh. So- oh. "Why not *call* me?"
"I… tried. But- I didn't… my- parents- they argued. A lot. And we- didn't even get along really-"
"That's *bullshit*, Rae. That's no excuse- you… *robbed* me of *six* *months*. My *daughter* don't even *know* me." Shit- I'm getting upset and she's gonna start getting defensive and this isn't how this morning is supposed to go.
"I know. I don't- I don't have any excuses. I just- I'm sorry."
"I know, I know- I'm just… upset." I *know* she's not really sure why she kept it from me. And logically? I get it. It's just- I think about what I've missed and- I take a deep breath. "Let's not talk about this right now- I *know* you… had your reasons and I know *now*. I just… need some time."
"Okay," she says and starts to roll away from me.
I grab her by the wait and pull her back against me. "Not *now*- just… time in general."
~*~*~*~*~
He starts kissing me again and I sigh and relax into his arms. This is just… perfect… waking up together…
And then… It happens.
My tummy grumbles.
I pull away and smile. "Hungry?"
"Yeah- I could eat."
"Pancakes okay? I can make 'em."
"Sure," he shrugs and I watch my lover get out of the bed. He's my *lover*. My… boyfriend? I don't know- the father of my children. The only one I ever want… He pulls on his sweat pants and tosses me the robe.
"Thanks."
He follows me out to the kitchen and hops up on the counter while I start mixing the ingredients.
"Are you working?" He asks.
"I'm between jobs- haven't… found anything yet. I just… wanna *do* something… important."
"Work for me," he says and I look at him.
"Huh?"
"I mean- it's important. You're a fuckin' *amazing* lawyer- I *love* watchin' you go… but more than that- I think Paul is bein' spread too thin. He's like… *everyone's* manager. He needs an assistant- a co-manager. Somethin'- Shady Records needs another good attorney *and*… I've got somethin' special that I've wanted to start."
"Like what?"
"Well- you wanna do something important with your life and… all these damn ads and shit- I just… I wanna do something- to help the D out- I was thinkin' of maybe like… raising money and perhaps startin' to build up the schools in the city- ya know- gettin' computers and books and shit for 'em."
Wow. "Wow. That's…"
"And I need a smart person to put in charge of the business aspect of it- I was thinkin' we could like… auction stuff off on eBay to raise some money. I'd put down a mil to get it going and then… maybe sell autographed stuff or backstage passes… get other artists from the area to donate stuff… maybe Detroit t-shirts autographed by people… I dunno. Is that… stupid?"
^*^*^*^*^
"You know- your perceived intelligence had nothing to do with why I didn't tell you."
Huh? What like she… damn. How did she *know* that?
"You're not stupid, Marshall. You're one of the brightest people I've met. Those lawyers? In Boston? They've got *law* degrees and they backed themselves into a corner by admitting they were wrong… in the first meeting! With a court recorder in the ROOM! How dumb do you gotta be?"
Shit. She's amazing. She *knows* me.
"Just 'cause you didn't graduate summa cum laude does mean you're inferior to everyone who did. God- *they're* the ones who can't figure out the simplicity of sitting down their kids and *talking* about the music and lyrics."
Hm- she does have a point.
"See? You're *good*- fuck- you've practically convinced *me*. That's why you *have* to do it- will-"
"Okay."
What? I was expecting… more of a fight. "What?"
"Okay- I'll… work for you. I'll… come to Detroit. I'll… get an apartment or whatever and we'll see where this leads us."
"You could move in."
"No."
"What? I thought you-"
"Too soon. You and-"
"You could take your own bedroom. I want you and the kids safe. And-"
~*~*~*~*~
I hear the door open. "RAE?! You hom- oh. I uh… guess you are… morning there, Marshall."
Jen comes in, baby bag and baby in hand.
"Gimme my baby," I say, rushing over to her. Meg reaches her arms out for me and I smother her little face in kisses while carrying her over to the stove where the pancakes are ready to be flipped. "I'm makin' pancakes- you want some, Jen?"
"Yeah- sure," she shrugs.
I glance at Marsh, who's just staring at Megan. "Would you- I mean…" I offer her to him and she giggles a bit when he lifts her out of my arms.
"Hi, Meggie," he coos and… he's got a tear in his eye. "Come to Daddy…"
^*^*^*^*^
Shoot. I glance at Rae to see if that's okay, but she just flips the pancakes and doesn't seem to mind.
"Hm…" I look over at Jen who's drinking some milk. "*Finally*, everything's as it *should* be."
She seems happy. She must have known- at least for a while.
"Shut up," Rae tells her. "And don't even *say* it beca-"
"Just a little one?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Really quick?"
"*NO*, Jen."
"Fine," she says defeated. She turns away from Rae and I barely hear "told you so."
"I *heard* that!"
"I *wanted* you too!"
Damn- "Aaahhhh! What have we gotten ourselves into, Megan?" I *love* this kid- shit I love her. It's... amazing. She's MINE. And fuck- what's Hailie gonna- who are we kidding- Hailie's gonna *love* this. "Yes- Hailie's gonna *love* you Megan *and* your new brother or sister."
"WHAT?!" Jen screams in shock. "Wh-"
"SURPRISE!" Rae says. "I'm three months pregnant."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" I *hate* women. Practically busts my fuckin' *ear* drum and startles Meg. Shit. "HAPPY DAYS!!!!!!"
"And we're moving to Detroit," Rae adds.
"Michigan State, here I come!"
-------------
~*~*~*~*~
Jen stopped screaming and giggling in fits of I-told-you-so's and she went to the mall to shop for baby stuff. It's finally *quiet*. Quiet in my head… in my heart…
I smile when I see him lying there on my bed, *both* of them, asleep. Megan's curled up in his arms. My family.
I carefully lay next to him and wrap an arm around them. I rest my chin on his shoulder and kiss his cheek softly. "I *love* you, Marshall Mathers. I don't when or how it happened, but I'm sure of it."
"Love you too," he murmurs. "And Rae?"
"Yeah?"
"This is pretty freakin' amazing, huh?"
Yeah. It really is.
Who'd have thought I'd be able to be completely nude and *not* alone in the closet?
And there's a certain peace with that.
----------------
THE END
Back to the Clothes Trilogy index
Author: crazyevildru@yahoo.com
These stories are for entertainment purposes only. They are completely fictitious, and the authors mean no harm to EMINEM, his family, friends, or anyone else that may have been depicted as a 'real life' character. No money was made on the fiction here, either directly or indirectly, i.e. paid advertising. In other words - it's just a bunch of shit we wrote for fun. Please don't take it seriously.